Bold statement: All Americans are lonely; some much more than others.
A group of scientists are working on a pill to treat loneliness, which has sparked a decent amount of coverage in the media. The articles cite the familiar, shocking statistic: upwards of 75% of Americans report feeling lonely. And it is not simply older and more physically isolated people – younger, urban professionals are reporting record levels of loneliness. The articles report a litany of bad effects of loneliness, from heart disease to compromised immune systems to changes in brain function.
One of the researchers, Stephanie Cacioppo, discusses treatments, other than the pill, that she uses and advises others to use: gratitude practice, service, and finding meaningful work.
And I am skeptical of all of it: the cures and the half-baked analyses.
Yes, gratitude, service, and meaningful work are important. But the issue goes way beyond the simple slogan-friendly cures in these articles.
Paradoxical statement: Most Americans do not want more social contact, but they all need more social contact.
When I lived in West Africa, it was a “joke” that it took half an hour to go 100 feet because you would be stuck in long conversations. Most Americans found the constant social interaction in Africa a “bit much.”
And yet there it was, day after day: a line people talking to you. Long greetings, asking about your family and how you slept. Funny jokes (genuinely funny interactions almost every time). And long stories: pleasant, rambling, and ultimately pointless. These were stories that no American, who would need a purpose and plot, could or would ever tell.
Most of the world, and for most of human history, life was like this. Much of the structure of modern society prevents these random interactions from happening, and most people are fine with avoiding it – on a daily basis.
Social scientists have been analyzing American’s 50-year decline in trust – in government and in each other. Trust seems to be a mirror issue to loneliness. (And many of the analyses are identical.) But there is a chicken and egg issue with trust and loneliness. Is the lower trust causing loneliness or is the loneliness registering as a lower trust society?
Paradoxical observation: Many stereotypes about Americans contradict the statistics on loneliness.
The stereotype of Americans abroad is that we are too friendly; my hunch, from traveling, is that this stereotype is dead on. Even in areas of the U.S. that are supposed to be “unfriendly,” like Manhattan, it is very easy to have casual conversations on the street.
Another true stereotype about Americans is that we work too hard. (And therefore, how can we feel worthless?) We are the only large country in the world that has worked more as it got richer. All other rich countries have increased their leisure time.
Hard-to-prove diagnosis: We aren’t lonely per se; it is just that many of our social interactions have become specialized.
Americans’ social interactions are increasingly segmented: people with whom you discuss politics (online and in person), people with whom you exercise, fellow parents, colleagues, people who you volunteer with, old college friends.
The truth is, we have been addressing the loneliness problem for 50 years. We did not have a (legal) pill for it, but we have been talking about service as a cure for loneliness for a while. We have made ourselves more useful and more valuable, which has made us much more specialized in all areas of our lives, including our social lives.
And social media has only fed this specialization. You could have a professional profile or post about your hobbies and interests. You interact with a wide array of people, but each interaction lacks multi-dimensionality.
Bold conclusion: Loneliness could be an engine of creativity if properly mentored.
Solitude has always been an integral part of American life. Think of the cowboy, or Huck Finn floating down the Mississippi (all “lonesome”), or Henry David Thoreau living by Walden pond.
Huck Finn was taught his most important lessons through his relationship with Jim. Thoreau was supported by his friend and mentor, Ralph Waldo Emerson.
The cure for the current “loneliness” is to mentor. And while it is easy to see the motivation to find a mentor, what is the motivation to be a mentor?
The ancient Roman stoics give a clue. They were the only school of philosophy to put the idea of friendship and mentoring as a central tenet. As Seneca wrote, almost 2000 years ago:
For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too.